How to help your toddler develop impulse control

When your toddler sees a toy they want, chances are, they’ll grab it, even if another child is holding it. If they’re curious about the stove, they may reach up and turn the knobs, no matter how many times you’ve told them not to 🙃 

Toddlers do these things because they’re still developing impulse control. The part of their brain responsible for controlling their actions and emotions needs more time to mature. It may be another couple years or more before your toddler is able to resist the impulse to do something they know is off limits or pause and think through the consequences of their actions. Even then, they will likely still need a lot of help to manage their feelings and impulses.

It’s understandable to believe your toddler has impulse control sooner than they actually do. Toddlers can often recite a rule much earlier than they can follow it. For example, if you tell your toddler over and over again not to touch the vase, they may repeat, “No touch.” But they can’t always resist the urge to touch it.

4 ways to help your toddler develop self-control

1. Model patience

Talking about how you stay patient in your own life may help your toddler absorb and practice similar strategies down the road. If you’re stuck in line at the grocery store model how to distract yourself as you wait. You might say, “Waiting in line is so hard. I think I’ll count the vegetables in our cart to help the time pass.” 

2. Reinforce successful moments

Acknowledge your toddler’s efforts when they wait patiently for a minute or resist the urge to do something off-limits. For example, if your toddler calmly plays as you make lunch, you can say, “You played with your puzzle as you waited for your food. Playing makes it easier to wait!” 

3. Use playful games to practice waiting

Try a simple imitation game to help them practice taking a turn. Show your toddler a one-step movement, like patting your head or stomping your feet. Encourage them to imitate you after your turn is over—“Pat, pat your head. Now it’s your turn”—then introduce a different movement for them to imitate. Simple turn-taking games like this involve both waiting and focusing. In a year or two, your toddler may be ready for more advanced games like Red Light, Green Light or Freeze Dance. 

4. Consider the big picture

Study after study has found that toddlers whose parents are emotionally available, sensitive, and responsive tend to show greater impulse control as they mature ❤️ You build a strong emotional bond with your toddler every time you care for them, play with them, and set limits with empathy. This general approach to parenting may help your toddler develop executive function skills like impulse control over time. 

Learn more about the research

Carlson, S. M., White, R. E., & Davis-Unger, A. (2014). Evidence for a relation between executive function and pretense representation in preschool children. Cognitive Development, 29, 10.

Kochanska, G., Murray, K. T., & Harlan, E. T. (2000). Effortful control in early childhood: continuity and change, antecedents, and implications for social development. Developmental Psychology, 36(2), 220.

Lerner, C., & Nightingale, M. O. (2016). Tuning In: Parents of Young Children Speak up About What They Think, Know, and Need. Zero to Three, 37(1), 44-49.

Lieberman, M. D. (2009). The brain’s braking system (and how to ‘use your words’ to tap into it). Neuroleadership Journal, 2, 9-14.

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