Helping siblings with boundaries
“This is something that I like to practice a lot, to hold my tongue. Unless my kids are full-blown fighting and there’s something serious going on, I really, really try to stay out of it.”
Kristin Mariella @respectfulmom
Bickering, fighting, jealousy, constant comparison and competition — sibling rivalry can be exhausting. Here to help us reduce the conflict between our children is parent educator, Kristin Mariella. Her approach is to hold the limits, while welcoming the waves of emotion. You can find more from Kristin Mariella @respectfulmom.
Transcript:
Jessica: What is driving all this competition between brothers and sisters?
Kristin: So much of the things that we do as parents, we think we’re helping. And it’s almost like this, I’m on a quest of busting myths or really open people’s eyes to what’s actually happening when, for example, we are jumping in there when our kids are even just bickering and we’re correcting interaction.
We’re kind of telling them, “Oh, don’t use that tone with your brother. That’s not very nice.” And we think we’re kind of helping fine tune some interactions and coaching them in the moment. We’re trying really our best to just make sure that they stay on the right track before things blow up.
But what’s really interesting is when we get in there, even with our best intentions, we are interfering with the natural kind of flow of things. And our interference, it creates resistance and it sends the message of mistrust.
Oftentimes they also get more tense, because mommy is there and she’s a little bit worried about where this is going and they can of, you know? It’s really interesting, there are so many dynamics at play.
This is something that I like to practice a lot, to hold my tongue. Unless my kids are full-blown fighting and there’s something serious going on, I really, really try to stay out of it.
It’s so interesting when you become aware of this and you’re like, really try to hold your tongue. That’s when you start also listening and you’re thinking to yourself, “How is this really going to go? Okay, I’m going to lean into trust and I’m going to just let it slide that my kids are being… My older daughter is being a little bit unfair to her brother. He doesn’t really seem to mind, though. Hmm, interesting.”
“I’m really triggered that she’s being a little bit manipulative here. I can see through it, but he’s… Wait a second, he’s actually enjoying. Oh, and then they’ve found in this way out of… Oh yeah, and now they’re playing this game out of that, and now he’s laughing.”
It surprises us a lot of the time how they navigate it and it’s differently than what we envision. So taking ourselves and our triggers and our baggage and our judgment out of the equation, is extremely freeing.
Parenting tips for sibling rivalry
Jessica: This is such helpful information that you’re sharing right now. What else are we doing that’s natural to us that is not helpful when it comes to sibling rivalry?
Kristin: We can run over the five top things. Basically there’s the Bible of sibling rivalry, which is, Siblings Without Rivalry. [chuckle] And I encourage every parent out there to read this book. It’s been my companion throughout my parenthood, I have three children.
The most important is probably when we don’t normalize negative feelings between our siblings. And we don’t accept it, we don’t welcome the big emotions that they will inevitably have towards each other.
So it’s really important to just accept that as a fact right off the bat, and it’s not helpful to romanticize our children’s relationship. Or I don’t know if that’s the right word. But really to just have the standard that they’re going to be best friends always and always so loving to each other and have each other’s back all the time.
Generally, we want this to be the culture in our home, but our children, they didn’t choose each other, they’re living daily lives together, they are sharing parents. There is inevitably going to be a mix of feelings. So not normalizing that is definitely going to just drive tension further.
Contributing to competition is something that I see everywhere all the time. And it’s really interesting because parents usually do it in a playful way. And they think they’re helping, but in the end it’s just that little shift in dynamic where children are going to be looking at each other and seeing each other more as a rival than you being kind of the whole family, and especially siblings in the same team.
The quickest example would be always making it a game, “Who’s the first to doing that?” Or, “Who’s going to run to the car and be the winner?” In this little mini-competition that we always have going on around the house to get things done.
I mean, it’s totally fine every now and then, but honestly, we can get stuck in doing it too much and it becomes that underlying message of somehow it is the most important to be number one and to be better, to be faster, and to be… And it’s just so unfair because our kids obviously, they have different strengths. [chuckle] So to lay that off.
And really you can easily… For example, you can just so easily turn it in another direction if you have a hard time going cold turkey on that, just tell your kids to race you and you’ll be clumsy parent. And then they are that team that won you. So just a little tweak. But something to really keep in mind is, am I pitting my kids against each other without being maybe aware of it, right?
Yeah, we talked about correcting interactions, which I think is really, really, really a good practice. And then making everything equal. We get so hung up on this as parents. I think there’s guilt driving that’s driving that usually.
We are afraid to not equalize everything because we are… We visualize and we see that one child is going to be so upset that they got a little bit less French fries on their plate or something. And we’re always anticipating their upset, right?
So there’s a sentence we say, it’s like, “Everyone gets what they need, when they need it.” I mean, in Icelandic, it doesn’t really sound so privileged. Oh my god. [chuckle] But the idea of it is that we don’t…
And we also always say, “We don’t count food.” That’s one thing. When my kids are like, “Oh wait, she got a little bit more of this.” Or, “He got a little bit less of that.” And I say, “What do you want? Are you hungry for a little bit more? Do you want more French fries on your plate? That’s fine. Yeah, tell me that.” We don’t count food. We never count food.
So it’s just a little, just a mindset shift and noticing these areas where it’s actually going to be driving competition if we always equalize everything. Because, and this is the last thing I’m going to say about that, because we are teaching our kids then to look to each other.
If I’m standing in the kitchen and I’m counting French fries to make sure my kids don’t fight, I’m teaching them to do the same thing. So next time we’re at the restaurant, my son is going to be looking at his sister’s plate to count, because that’s what you do.
And if we’re announcing, “Nine marshmallows in each cocoa I counted to the T. And if you see eight, it’s because one melted. Trust me, because I really made the calculations.” We are putting this out there as the most important thing, that we have to make sure everything is equal, and that is endless. Okay? Creating a lot of problems. [chuckle] I sure so many listeners can relate to that.
And lastly, it’s really important I think also to start reflecting, am I unintentionally labeling my kids? By trying to encourage them, which is usually the driver. This is why this is so interesting because we’re always coming from such a good place, and that’s why it’s so interesting to really try and open people’s eyes to, “Oh wow, what I thought was helpful is actually maybe contributing to rivalry.”
Yeah, so that’s the rundown of the five.
How to keep from choosing sides
Jessica: So helpful. That’s so helpful for me, a lot of years into parenting our three kids. I’m going to play a question around favoritism.
Caller 1: Hi, I have a question about sibling and sibling rivalries. How do you keep from, I guess, choosing sides and validating both children? As well as just keeping their self-esteem high and making it not seem that you’re choosing one more over the other?
Right now it’s really hard for me because I have two toddler, one’s three, almost four, and the other one is one, almost two. And with that, I don’t want my oldest to feel as though I’m constantly choosing her younger sister when they battle, but at the same time, my younger daughter is more prone to getting injured easily and just, I just don’t know how to mitigate that.
Kristin: So yeah, wow. What I want to highlight after listening to this, is going to save so many people’s sanity, I think. So even when there’s obvious, it’s obvious that the older child is being super unfair and harsh with a younger child. Younger sibling, sorry. Even when that’s so obvious, I want to encourage parents to try and go straight to compassion and understand that that child is just having a really hard time at the moment. They do not want to hurt their younger sibling.
And with that energy, you come in and intervene. And what happens when you have this mindset shift. You stop seeing the older child as this bully, and you actually come in and you want to support both of them.
So I will say out loud, “Ooh” to my 5-year-old son, who is a little, he’s highly sensitive, and when he’s fighting with his little one and a half-year-old, I will say out loud, “I know you don’t want to hurt him. I’m going to stop you right here. Oh, that must feel so bad. He’s crying now. I know. You didn’t want that to happen. You don’t want him to cry. I’m here and I’m going to help you take a pause.” And then I am gentle supporting my son, who was the one who literally pushed my little one to the ground or whatever.
All of our children in any situation, they need our support. This is such a huge mindset shift and it’s going to shift things around for that older child and for her daughter, for example, when she can feel that, “Oh, my mom still sees me.”
We don’t need to make our kids feel even worse about what they just did, what just happened, to make them learn from their mistake. This is old school mentality.
What we need to do is to help our children feel better all around, to help the nervous system be more regulated, which we do with how we show up, how they feel about what do we think about them in that moment. Are we seeing them as a bully? Is this creating a more disconnection, more rift in the relationship? What happens then is the older child is just going to be acting out more and more.
When to intervene with sibling fights
Jessica: Yeah. This is so, resonating so much. I have the same… I have this experience where I get really triggered and elevated because I’m so frustrated with how one of the children is treating the other. But I think that your empathy approach, I found over time has really helped. No child wants to be the bad guy or hurt the other child. So this is really helpful.
I have another question that builds on this. So talk me through that fighting moment. So you talked about observing when your children do start to get into a physical tussle. It’s really common in our family.
Something might be escalating. But again, I’m not intervening because I’m taking your advice. But then when do I intervene? What if it gets aggressive? Walk me through this.
Kristin: What I find is really good is to just come in with curiosity. We don’t want to wait until everything is totally exploded, we want to wait and see a little bit. When we feel like things are elevating, we can check in at that point. And it’s better if we are not too emotionally charged at the same time.
So coming in with curiosity, “Okay, I hear you guys are upset. Can I help? Do you need some help?” This is sometimes just what my kids need, because they don’t even want me to come in and they will figure it out.
Or I’m coming in and I’m like, “Okay, okay, okay. Pause. Let’s pause.” And that’s a good non-judgmental kind word that I throw in there a lot of the time. “Let’s pause, I’m here. Okay, no, let’s just take a break.” And then we try to talk about it.
A lot of the time, kids just need time. We don’t need to get too wordy, we just need a little bit of that break that we’re helping them get. Right? So this is kind of before it blows up. But even after it blows up, it’s pretty much the same. We want to come in and it’s not too helpful to be too wordy.
Most of the times our kids just need that break. If kids are getting physical, creating that distance is really important.
Sometimes I do take one child into another room, because it’s just too heated.
Kind of depends on the situation and also the age of the child. Are they able to voice what they want? Can we help them process when we say, “Okay, I see you’re holding that and you’re, okay, you’re pointing at the toy, you also want the toy. Hmm, that’s really tricky. Nope.”
And then a lot of the time is this really heated, it’s going to be hands flying, we have to be kind of ready to physically block it in the moment, if we are sitting there holding space for the heated moments.
Strategies to avoid sibling rivalry
Jessica: So talk about how you can avoid sibling rivalry all together. Are there any strategies, any bigger picture strategies that we can think of?
Kristin: One-on-one time is definitely the first thing that pops into mind. I know that people don’t… Often they resist and they’re like, “I don’t have time for extra… I don’t have extra 10 minutes in the day to do one-on-one with my child. And also, I don’t have any help, so it’s hard to carve out that time.”
Honestly, I take the approach of just be mindful of giving your children full attention some of the time. You don’t have to make this into like a date to go out for ice cream or do something special with the child. Just give full attention to your children. And separately if you can.
If your child is doing something interesting, sit with them and really try and get into their world. Don’t ask too many questions. Just let them kind of lead the interaction. You can do 10 minutes, 20 minutes. And sure, the other child can be in the same room. Or not maybe in same room, but just doing their own thing. I just want to simplify this for parents that are busy, maybe single.
But that really does help to create that bond that your child needs to be able to hold onto and lean into in the family, so.
Adjusting to a new sibling
Jessica: That’s wonderful. And I know that that can be so helpful with new siblings as well. I’m going to play a question about a mom who’s sharing her fears around bringing home a new baby.
Caller 2: I am the primary caregiver, and when we bring a new baby home, I know not to blame things on the new baby. But I’m still not quite sure how to help my toddler be gentle, and not suffocating her with her love, as she is obsessed with babies and dolls. She loves seeing her friend’s baby siblings, and gets in their face all the time and has a hard time when they need to eat or sleep.
Kristin: So I would definitely focus on supporting that toddler in having a hard time taking a break. Because they need it. And then there’s definitely tension there driving that kind of that attitude of being overly, getting overly in there, being really excited. And then when the baby needs, there’s a boundary there, needs to eat, needs to feed, needs to nap. And then there is a problem. I’m just guessing might be a meltdown or that she has a really hard time with that.
Those are the moments that you’re going to be able to help this toddler the most. Lean into that, “Oh yes, you really wish, you wish you could go into the bedroom and just wake her up right now. You miss the baby. We’re not going to go into the bedroom. I’m staying right here. I’m helping you. You’re here, you’re here with me.” And there’s a big meltdown.
And maybe every day for, I don’t know, I did this with my daughter. When she was three, my son was born, and I remember there was this… basically, every day for a month. This was really the time when I was really practicing sitting with her big emotions.
And I remember when she would cry and her emotions would go up, she would scream, I could feel tears coming out of my eyes, because I was just… It was just so difficult to sit there with her.
But afterwards is where she would find her calm, where I call it “the bliss”, and she was just so much more connected, she was so much more balanced within, and that’s where everything kind of fell into place.
So she needed this, and I needed to hold the space for it. It was messy, it was chaotic, it was very difficult, but it was definitely what she needed. And that’s what I’m seeing, what I’m thinking when I hear this question from the mom. Really, really try and lean into helping this little girl let some of the tension out. Listen to her tears.
Jessica: It’s such a tender time, it’s so tender for all of us.
Well it’s been so helpful to have you here with us today. Thank you so much.
Kristin: Thank you for having me. It was a real pleasure.
You can find more from Kristin Mariella @respectfulmom. Here are my takeaways from the conversation:
- Hold your tongue! Kristin urges parents to resist getting involved with sibling conflict, as long as there is not a safety issue. Even with the best of intentions, adult interference creates resistance and it sends the message of mistrust. When I succeed at this, I find the squabbles often turn out differently than I imagined.
- Welcome the big emotions your siblings have toward one another. It’s OK if they’re not the best of friends — and their relationship will shift over time. By normalizing disagreements, you will diminish the tension in the sibling relationship.
- Asking your children to race to the car has a tendency to pit one child against another. Instead, have them compete against you. Play the part of the clumsy adult and you’re bound to bring some humor to the situation.
- Do your best to avoid equalizing things, particularly when it comes to food. Kristin reminds her children: “We never count food.” If you’re forever equaling out portions, you are sending the message that your children should look to their sibling’s plate to see if they have enough, rather than listening to their body.
Learn more on our Lovevery blog.
