Talking about death

“You can support grieving children by being honest with them, allowing them to experience the truth of loss and grief to the extent that it comes into their sphere, not protect them from it.”

Michele Benyo, Founder of Good Grief Parenting

Birthing is a topic we all want to weigh in on, but death? Not so much. We tend to avoid the subject, and when it comes to talking to our child about death, choosing the right words is hard. Of course, there’s no “right” way to talk about death except to lead with honesty and love.

Jessica Rolph, your host, welcomes Michele Benyo to the show. She is the founder of Good Grief Parenting. Michele came to this work in the wake of losing her child 20 years ago and helping his sibling through the grief. Today, Jessica and Michele discuss how parents can support their children through the death of a pet or loved one.

Highlights:

[1:26] What do parents need to know about how children grieve?

[3:13] How can parents help a grieving child?

[4:30] Michele gives examples of some mistakes parents make when discussing death with children.

[6:53] How can parents begin to use direct language to talk about death with their children?

[9:19] How does grief manifest through play?

[11:41] A question from the Lovevery community: “How do you answer: Are Grandma and Grandpa going to die? Followed by, Are you and Daddy going to die?”

[13:52] When do children start to understand death?

[15:27] How can we prepare our children for the death of someone who is close to death?

[17:10] Another question from a listener: “How do I incorporate family members who died into my son’s life at 7 months old? How do I explain to him that they’re no longer here, but they love him very much?”

[20:11] Ways to approach the death of a pet.

[22:47] How should we prepare children for a funeral?

[25:08] Jessica shares her takeaways from the conversation with Michele Benyo.

Transcript:

Children and grief

Jessica: So grateful to have you here. So I wanted to get started by asking, what do us parents and adults need to know about how children grieve? 

Michele: I think the thing that most of us really need to know is that children do grieve. Just know that, not wonder whether they are, because so often children don’t look like… I don’t know what exactly it is we expect them to look like, but so often parents will say, they look like they’re doing okay, so I think they are. The way that a child looks really isn’t an indicator of how they are grieving, and I can just guarantee you that if a family has a loss and they are going through a loss and they’re experiencing grief, the youngest of their little ones in their family is experiencing it too, they’re just not showing it in the same way. They don’t know how to process it. My daughter said to me when her brother died, mommy, half of me is gone. She was three and a half, and if you watched this little three and a half-year-old bereaved sibling, she didn’t look like this broken mess, like maybe I might have looked, because her grief wasn’t written all over her the way that an adult’s grief often is at the time of loss. I think the important thing for adults to know is that your child is grieving and they need our support, whether they demonstrate their grief, whether they somehow indicate to us that they’re experiencing it or not, they need our help through it because they are experiencing it.

How to help your child grieve

Jessica: So how can we help them? 

Michele: To be honest with children, to allow them to experience the truth of loss and grief to the extent that it comes into their sphere, not protect them from it, not try to make them feel better, but to hold space for their emotions.

Ashley Warner, whose episode was the most recent one published at the time that we’re doing this interview, she talked… Was talking about separation anxiety and how important it is for adults to hold space for what the child is feeling. And it’s the same thing with grief. Our goal is not to try to make them feel better and to try to deny grief or have them not experience it, but to help them understand it, and to be honest with them, yes, there is something horrible that happened, and this doesn’t feel good, and we are all going to go through this together and we are capable of handling it.

Mistakes when talking about death

Jessica: It’s comforting in a way that we can just be honest and kinda push through. Give me an example of what mistakes parents make when, in your opinion, when discussing death with children, whether it’s euphemisms or something else, help me understand.

Michele: Well, the euphemisms are huge, and the idea of that, that we’ll try to distract children from it, which I already mentioned, like if they’re feeling sad, we’ll say, Oh, come on, let’s go make a batch of your favorite cookies, or Why don’t you go play with so and so you always have so much fun with them. That’s a mistake because that’s telling them, You have to be happy. I just want you to be happy. Being sad is not okay. Let’s do something to make it better. The other thing is not being honest about what happened, and that includes using accurate words, and you mentioned the euphemisms, and we don’t even use accurate language with each other. When my son died, I had to… I choked on those words. It was really hard for me to say my son died, but that’s the only word that accurately described what happened to him, and so Diana knew her brother died.

To say he passed away, or he departed or he’s gone, or he went away, is just really very vague for children who are so literal. Whether we think we’re being clear that we’re not going to see that person again, but the words they’re hearing don’t tell them that, and so they believe, well, maybe they can come back again. We explain to them that the person died, their body stopped working and they’re not able to do any of the things they used to be able to do. They can’t talk, they can’t walk, they can’t play with you, they can’t sing, and we’re not going to see them ever again. That’s what being dead for a person for our loved one means. Children don’t necessarily get their heads around that whole concept when they’re really young, but they will grow up knowing that that’s what happened to this person, and they will grow into the understanding of what that really means. And so we really do need to start with our own comfort level of using that word and then using that accurate, honest vocabulary with children.

How to have a conversation about death 

Jessica: So how would you start the conversation, how would you even open it up, if we need to use this direct language, how do we begin? 

Michele: Well, you know the first point of discussion is when someone who was there is not there, they’ve died, and we tell the child, David died, grandpa died, Champ died. Their body stopped working. The child may ask why, and then we just give them simple information. We don’t always die when we get very sick, but this was something that made the person’s body stop working. They can’t do the things they used to do. We’re not going to see them anymore. Give them minimal information. They will ask more questions that they have. We just need to tell them what happened very simply, and then we can say, Is there anything that you’re wondering about that? We can ask them those questions that let them say what they’re wondering about. And if they don’t say anything, we can say, Well, you know, if there’s ever something you’re wondering about or something you want to ask me about this, just come and ask me and we can talk about it some more. And just open the door for the child to come to you.

Because a young child, like my daughter, like little ones, they’re going to grow up with this loss and they’re going to be re-processing it and having new questions. So it can be very simple, giving them simple facts, letting them know you’re open to whatever they want to talk to you about. And then just giving them the hugs, giving them the space, being close to them, being honest about your own feelings. Because loss and grief are normal, natural human experiences. And children need to know that so that when they feel it, they can talk about it with you.

Grieving through play

Jessica: And because young children can’t always vocalize their feelings, their fears often come out in these kind of unexpected times, like maybe while they’re playing. Can you recommend a way to grieve through play.

Michele: Children just instinctively know how to do that. There are so many ways that you can see what they’re thinking through their play, and like I said, that’s what my daughter did. She didn’t show her grief but if I would tune in while she was playing, she might be singing, oh, how I wish my brother were here, and she’d have a David character and a Diana character. So she would just be playing and as an adult, when we’re aware that they’re doing this, sometimes our tendency is to just leave them alone. But we can also go say, it sounds like you’re really missing David today. What are you playing right now? Do you want to tell me about it? And let them tell you, or they can draw pictures about how they’re feeling.

One thing that children do is express their feelings through their behaviors and their emotions, and sometimes it might be aggressive, it might be more fearful, it might be something uncharacteristic of what we’ve seen in this child. And we just know that it’s probably the grief, but it doesn’t really look like what we think grief is. Some art activities can help them to deal with and express some of what they’re feeling, maybe Play-Doh, maybe painting, even just drawing a picture and telling you… having them explain it to you.

Questions about death

Jessica: I’m going to play this message from one of our members of our community.

Caller 1: Hi, my question is how do you answer: Are Grandma and Grandpa are going to die? Followed by, Are you and Daddy going to die? I think it’s a really tough question because I want to be honest, but I also don’t want them to be fearful when… have anxiety either I remember having a lot of fear and anxiety as a kid when my mom answered that, quite brutally, honestly. Thank you for offering this wonderful opportunity to get some ideas and answers, and I look forward to a reply.

Michele: Yes. Oh, this is so hard, but I just really applaud this listener for saying, I want to be honest because that is absolutely true. Do not tell your child, no, we’re not going to die. We’re not going anywhere because you cannot guarantee that..

What you can say is, everybody dies, it’s part of our life, and some day we will die, but we hope not for a long, long time, and right now, we’re all here together, we’re all safe, and we’re going to take care of you. What they’re asking with that question really is, Am I going to be okay? Are you going to be here to take care of me? And you can answer that question in the here and the now, without promising them that you’re always going to be there, which you can’t promise them.

You can also say to them, I’m really glad you asked that question, because I know this has been a really hard time for all of us, and yes, some day I will die. But it probably won’t be for a long time. And right now, we’re all here and we’re all safe, those kinds of responses that can just help the child feel secure in the moment.

Jessica: And when did children start to understand death or… This question does start to come up at some point. Help ground us in that.

Michele: They’re maybe going to start really understanding sort of what death is by the ages of six to eight, and then they’re going to have more experiences in their life about things that have died, and that’s one of the most useful things you can do as a parent is point out to them, like if they’re walking at the playground and they find a dead bird or they find a dead baby bird that fell out of a nest, you can say that bird died their body isn’t working anymore see how they’re not moving anymore.

Everything dies, there is a book called “Lifetimes” that is all about that message for young children, that everything that lives will die, and children at a really young age can start to hear this and learn this because it’s a fact of life. And so the two-year old or the three-year-old or the four-year-old when you say everything that lives will die, they don’t necessarily understand that, but you can in the moment, but you can keep giving them examples based on what they see in their lives and experiences you have with them in their lives and just continue those teachable moments.

Preparing your child

Jessica: And this may link to preparing a child for the death of a loved one, like an elderly grandparent that’s close to death, what should we do, how can we prepare the child for their passing? 

Michele: Well, I think, again, you can start preparing them for what the body is doing, you can tell them with an older person that their body is getting tired and soon they’re not going to be able to do the things they used to do, they’re going to die, their body won’t work anymore, and we’re going to be very, very sad, but we’ll have so many good memories and ways to remember them. But we won’t be able to see them anymore, and we won’t be able to play with them anymore, and when that happens, we’re all going to be sad, but we’re going to be okay, and the other thing that comes into this with all families, and…

I have a Christian upbringing. My belief is that I’m going to see my loved one again, I believe in my son going to heaven where I’m going to see him again. So of course, I told my daughter this, and many families have these kinds of beliefs that also really bolster the hopefulness of the situation, but again, we don’t want to give too much detail because it can be really confusing for a child to think that their loved one has gone somewhere else where they’re alive, because that’s the same thing really is not understanding quite what death is.

Jessica: Thinking about the memory of someone and trying to keep that really present. Let me play this message from one of our community members…

Remembering those who have passed

Caller 2: Hi there, sorry for the baby in the background, in advance, I lost my dad when I was six weeks pregnant with my now son, and I recently lost my grandmother about two weeks ago, who was a huge part of my life as well as my dad, and I really want them to be a part of my son’s life while he’s not a toddler, just yet as he’s only seven months, how do I incorporate them into his life as he gets older, and how do I explain to him that they’re no longer here, but they love him very much, and it’s important for me for them to be a part of his life. So how do I go ahead and explain that to him? Thanks so much.

Michele: Well, I love that you’re asking this question,. I love that you want to do this because this is such a gift for your child to have that legacy, to have that family continuity, to know that family loves you even when they’re not with you. And I think when they don’t know this person, and they haven’t lost this person’s presence because they never had it, it’s a matter of just really sharing with them… With him your memories of them. Grandma’s favorite cookie recipe. My dad and I used to play this game, and now I’m playing this game with you. When I was pregnant with you, my dad was so excited that you were coming, obviously a seven-month-old isn’t going to understand this, but you can start these stories with the seven-month-old. Even though they don’t understand all of the concepts and all of the information, the stories can start now and just tell them stories, show him pictures, and just let those people be a living presence in his life.

And by sharing what they meant to you and all that they gave to you, that just really gives him a legacy that he can carry on. You’re establishing traditions and you’re establishing an extended family that just embraces him and loves him and contributes to who he’s going to be and to who you are as his mom. Again, as I say, I’m just so glad that you’re doing this because it really is a gift for him to have this extent of family, even though he’ll never speak to them.

Death of pets

Jessica: Yeah, it is such a wonderful question and what a great answer. Thank you for that. I want to talk about death of a beloved pet, you know it can be so traumatic, and so hard for the child to go through both the process of death with a pet, and then also the grieving process. Do you have any suggestions specific to death of a pet that parents might be able to take home with them? 

Michele: I think the most important thing is that you really need to honor your child’s grief, and if it’s a beloved family pet, you’re going to be grieving too. And so then I just go back to the idea of not protecting your child from it, being really open about how sad you are all about this. And then when a pet dies, it’s really a wonderful opportunity for a child to have the hand in how you commemorate and celebrate that death, and the rituals that you might do when you bury the pet, or put the pet to sleep for the child to be able to participate in that when they’re at toddler age or older, in particular, that’s not a bad thing for them.

Again, one thing that I say is that childhood is the best time to learn about loss and grief. We don’t want our children to. We don’t think it’s the best time, but look at what they’re learning about life and how to cope and how to honor life. And so when they lose a pet and a dog is one thing, a gold fish is another, don’t flush the gold fish away, ask them “Should we bury the gold fish? Do you want to say goodbye to the goldfish? What should we do with the gold fish?” let them have some input into that, talk to them about how we honor our pets or our loved ones when they die, and let them have a hand in that and have a little funeral. It might even be just a grasshopper or something like that. Honor that loss and that grief and use that as a teachable moment to help them understand that all things die. And when they do, we’re going to miss them, but there are ways that we can say goodbye to them that will help us feel better because we are remembering them and honoring them and celebrating their life. It’s just really a wonderful teachable moment for them.

Children and funerals

Jessica: Yes, we went through that in our family, so thank you for reinforcing that.

So my children in a few weeks are going to be attending their grandfather’s funeral, and I wanted to ask you if there’s any tips for how to prepare our children for an event around death.

Michele: Two things I would say about that are, prepare them for what it’s going to be like, and ask them if they want to do it. If it’s open casket, for example, ask them if they want to see grandpa and say, he’s not going to look quite like he used to look. Children can experience a funeral as long as you know your child and think they’ll be okay with that, there’s nothing wrong with it. Also prepare them for what it’s going to be… There are going to be a lot of really sad adults because many people love grandpa just like we did, and people might be crying. You don’t need to worry about that, but that might bother you because everybody’s going to be missing grandpa.

And then when they’re there, pay attention to their comfort level while they’re there, and just remind them that this is how we remember people who die when we know we’re not going to see them again. Use it as a teachable moment and be sure that you’re allowing them to make some calls about how much of it they really want to experience, and I think that’s the important thing. Sometimes when we don’t include children, even if they’re very young children, they’re going to be missing that I don’t exactly want to use the word closure, but in a way that closure, they’re missing that event that signals we’re not going to see this person anymore. As I say, it’s not necessarily something to exclude them from, you just really take your cues from them and what you know about them.

Jessica: Thank you, Michelle, that was so helpful for me personally, and hopefully for others listening others listening, it’s been wonderful being with you today. Thank you so much.

Michele: Thank you for having me. I’m happy to be here, I just… I’ve listened to some of your other episodes and I just really love what you’re doing and that you’re here for your audience. I think you’re such a wonderful resource.

Jessica: Thank you.

Takeaway #1:

Children grieve, whether or not they “look” like they’re grieving. If they do express fear or sadness, don’t try to distract them. Instead, assure your child that big emotions are normal, and you are here for them no matter what comes up. 

Takeaway #2:

Avoid euphemisms: Saying something like “Grandma passed away” is too vague. Explain that the person died. Their body stopped working and they can no longer do the things they used to do. We’re not going to see them again.

Give them honest, but minimal, information and then ask: Is there anything you’re wondering about that? Reassure them that they can come to you with their questions anytime.

Takeaway #3:

Look for signs of grief or loss in their play. You can open the door to conversation by observing: Tell me about what you’re playing there. It looks like you’re really missing Grandma. Would you like to talk about it?

Takeaway #4:

When your child asks if you are going to die, what they’re really asking is: “Am I going to be okay? Are you going to be here to take care of me?” Focus on the here and now and remind them that they are safe: “Right now, we’re all here together, we’re all safe, and we’re going to take care of you.”

Visit our Lovevery blog for more resources on ways to communicate big life changes with your child.