Coping with separation anxiety

“To ease the stress of separation, you can give your child something to hold on to that is special to you so that they can find a way to feel connected to you, even though you’re apart.”

Family Psychologist Ashleigh Warner @raisinghumanskind

The stress of separation is real — it can be upsetting for both you and your child. Whether it be a child sobbing for you to stay when the babysitter shows up or clinging to your leg at drop-off, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing it all wrong when these raw emotions take over.

My New Life’s Jessica Rolph welcomes Family Psychologist Ashleigh Warner to help parents navigate this tricky terrain. Ashleigh reassures us that these feelings are normal, and shares ways to make separations easier on everyone involved.

Highlights:

[1:45] What is causing our babies and toddlers to get so upset when we leave the room? 

[3:02] Ashleigh talks about Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s model of attachment.

[5:15] Ashleigh explains why it is completely normal for a child to struggle at drop-off.

[6:37] What happens if there are a few caregivers, who might even change day by day? 

[7:30] How to handle attachment in a daycare setting for a baby? 

[9:03] Is sneaking out recommended? How should parents handle separation?

[11:21] What can caretakers do to make separation less traumatic?

[14:45] What is the role of distraction? Are distractions recommended?

[15:58] How long is it okay for a child to be crying and upset over a separation? 

[17:34] Is it ok to go back for your child if the crying is more than you can handle?

[21:05] Should caregivers be practicing a few things at home before a big transition like starting daycare or preschool?

[22:30] What are ways that caregivers can build trust in their children that they will always return?

[23:30] Jessica presents the question of a listener. She’s a Navy mom who is gone a lot, and finds it painful when her child expresses a preference for Daddy. What advice does Ashleigh have for this mom? 

[25:02] How can a parent ease the transition when returning to work?

[26:38] Jessica shares her takeaways from her conversation with Ashleigh Warner.

Transcript:

Jessica: Welcome, Ashley, it’s so great to have you with us.

Ashley: Thanks for having me here, Jess. I’m so excited to be here and to chat about this topic. 

What causes separation anxiety?

Jessica: So what is going on? What is causing our babies and toddlers to get so upset when we leave the room, starting with babies? 

Ashley: Yeah, so what’s a really important thing for parents to understand is that attachment develops over many years. So what happens is babies and toddlers and even pre-schoolers, they’re still finding ways to feel connected and close to us when they are apart from us. So what we know for babies, is that they need in about the first year of life, they need to be physically close to us. They need to be touching us or smelling us or hearing our voice or seeing us in order to feel close to us. And we know that attachment is our pre-eminent need. It’s our most important need. So when babies aren’t with us through the physical senses, then they start to feel alarmed because their brain’s like, “Well, hold on a second. Where’s mom? Where’s dad? What’s going on?” As they get a little bit older, they start to find other ways to feel close to us as we might start to pull apart, as we might start to separate a little bit.

And so this process takes about six years for kids to develop. And so when kids are two, three, four, they’re still really relying on that physical proximity as a way to feel close to us.

Jessica: That is so helpful to hear that it’s this long span. I think that sometimes we think that it’s happening, there’s an acute moment or there’s a phase, but actually you’re saying that it goes on for quite a few years.

Ashley: Exactly. So Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s model of attachment has been really helpful in understanding this because I think traditionally, we’ve always talked about secure and insecure attachment. But what he has articulated so beautifully is that it really takes six years for children to deepen their attachment with their caregivers. And so this idea that in the first year, it’s all about physical proximity, it’s all been about being close. In the second year, it’s about, “Okay, now I can feel the same as. When I feel the same as my parent, when I recognize that I do similar things to them, that’s when I feel close.” But they’re still relying a lot on that physical proximity as their main way of feeling close and connected to us. And so each year they find a new way to hold on and it’s not until they get to about six, that they’re really deep into that attachment and it’s more developmentally appropriate for them to spend more time away from us. Now, unfortunately, in the way our culture works is that it’s not really aligned with what we know about developmental science.

So for babies, for example, in the first few months of life, their brain is quite open to new attachments. And so you’ll often find that your newborn might be happy to be held by grandma or held by somebody who they don’t know very well. Because what’s happening with the brain is they’re really looking like, “Okay, who’s around? Who’s caring for me all the time? Who am I going to attach to?” And then at about that six to nine month mark, they start to go, “Okay, I know who’s in my life now. I know who’s here and now what I want to focus on is deepening those attachments rather than finding new attachments.” Now, it’s not that children can’t find new attachments as they get older, they absolutely can. But the brain is just wired in this way, where in the early months, it’s looking for those attachments and then it’s looking to deepen those attachments. But unfortunately what happens in our culture is that we have often moms at home with babies by themselves, and then as that child’s trying to deepen that attachment, we then want them to go to day care or to kinder or something like that, and that’s just not quite how the brain works.

Jessica: So what do we do about that? Now I’m feeling so worried. I’m a working parent and I’ve left my baby and they’re just crying and now I feel worse. Talk to me about that.

Ashley: [chuckle] Okay. We don’t want you to feel worse, we just want you to understand that this is what happens and so there’s nothing wrong with a child. This is the most important message I want to get out to parents is that if your child is having a hard time being away from you and being within a new caregiver, it is completely normal. I don’t even want to call it separation anxiety because that has a sense of pathology to it. And there is actually nothing wrong with it when we look at the way children’s brains are developing. So that’s my point there, is that it’s completely normal. So what do we do? We really need to focus on building the relationship between that baby or that child and whoever is caring for them. Because they can build new attachments, it’s just not going to be as so natural to them, but they can. We can absolutely support them to build new attachments, and that’s where we want to put our energy.

We want to put our energy in helping that child or that baby feel connected to and close to the person who is then responsible for caring for them. Because that’s what’s going to reduce the alarm, and that’s what’s going to deal with the heart of the matter. Rather than what we tend to do is we just focus on the behavior or the symptom, or how do we get the drop-off right, or how do we stop the crying? But when we actually get to the heart of the matter, we need to be able to build those connections between the child and their caregivers so that that’s when they feel safe.

Separation anxiety and daycare 

Jessica: And what about daycare? So what if there’s not one caregiver, but a few caregivers and they might even change day-by-day? Had you any suggestions for how parents can handle that situation? 

Ashley: It’s super challenging when they do change, but it is just about trying to find ways, like even finding ways where that child can be similar to that person. So finding out who is in the daycare, who are the main people, who’s around? And how can we connect our child, how can we find similarities? How can we say, “Oh, you know what? They love Lego too.” Or, “Gosh, did you see the way that she smiled when you walked in? She was so happy to see you this morning.” So we’re really… It’s actually in the attachment research, it’s what’s called matchmaking. So we’re really match-making our child and whoever is caring for them, and that’s what’s going to make your child feel less alarmed. And yes, it’s going to take more work and more creativity if there is more than one person, but it’s completely doable.

Jessica: And what about babies? And in a day care setting, so let’s say that they’re in that seven to nine months sensitive period and you’re going back to work and you’re starting daycare, do you have any suggestions for how to handle attachment in a day care setting for a baby? 

Ashley: Yes, so it is similar, but we just have to… What’s really important is that when we leave our babies in the care of somebody else, especially our little babies, they’re going to be watching the way that we interact with that person. And so there if we can smile and nod and that person can smile and nod and get their eye contact and engage with our baby while we’re still holding them, then that can often kind of transfer that attachment, it can kind of say, ah look, this person’s safe and almost like transferring the attachment baton. Here we go, I’m giving you to this person, but because you can see that all of us now, we’re engaging eye contact we’re warm, we’re smiling with each other, and it’s that kind of warmth at the transition period that’s really important for a baby to see and feel, so that they feel more connected to that person.

But this has been tricky since I know there’s a lot of… Since COVID there’s been a lot of transitions and drop-offs that have prioritized more physical safety rather than an emotional safety, so I do understand that sometimes we’re a bit limited there.

Jessica: Yeah, but hopefully we can move towards this…

Ashley: Yes [laughter]

Dealing with separation anxiety

Jessica: New model that you’re envisioning. You know, sneaking out feels like the least disruptive approach. I have been known to do that, you know, whether I’m going on a trip for work or dropping my child off somewhere, and they start to get a little bit distracted, is that recommended? What should we, how should we handle separation? 

Should I sneak out? 

Ashley: Yeah, I totally get it, I get it. Because the guilt that can sometimes come up, even though we shouldn’t feel guilty, the guilt that can sometimes come up feels really intense for us, so we’re like, oh, if we just avoid that and they’re not crying, we can all just kind of have a smooth transition and drop off easily. But what we’re trying to teach our children is that we will always return and we’re trying to support them to feel safe and nurtured, and that’s about being open and honest, and if we sneak out, then what happens is our child gets alarmed. Well, where did mom go? Where’s mom now? So mom can just disappear at any point, okay, now I need to be on alert and whenever the brain and the body is on alert, what happens in the alias, then they’re going to want to see proximity with their caregiver. So if there’s alarm, the child’s going to go, Oh, okay, I need to be close to mom, so when you sneak out and it causes alarm and the child starts to think, oh my gosh, she could just sneak out, she could just disappear at any point, then they’re going to need to be close to you all the time, it’s going to actually make the situation worse.

We really want to be really honest and to understand that the emotion is telling us something about what’s going on for the child, and the emotion is actually the child trying to solve the problem. They’re not being difficult, they’re not manipulating, their body is alarmed, and so they’re trying to… Maybe they’re crying or maybe they’re getting quite frustrated, that’s their body going, oh, I don’t feel safe, I need to be close to somebody who I know very well. And so then we go, okay, this just doesn’t feel quite right for this child, what can we do to deal with the cause of the issue, rather than just kind of trying to make the in the moment situation feel a little bit more easeful. Parenting is all about the long-term. We really want to think long-term, okay, what’s going to help long-term rather than in this very moment.

Create a connection 

Jessica: Okay, so now the scenario is my emotions are running high, I definitely don’t want to sneak out, my child’s emotions are running high, we’re at, you know, drop off for… I’m just imagining my Bea’s Montessori School, and she’s just feeling really upset and wanting me. I can think back on so many days like this, what can we do to make that good bye less traumatic because now I’m kind of lingering, I’m hoping to create a connection between her and another caregiver, but I’m really kind of overstaying my welcome. Talk me through this.

Ashley: Yeah, so what we know is that it’s a separation that causes alarm, and so if we can reduce the separation in some way, then for some kids, that can really help them with the transition. So you will have heard potentially some ideas like drawing little hearts on your child’s hand and then saying to your child, whenever you press that heart, I’m going to think of you. Because pre-schoolers all believe in that magic, right? [chuckle] You press that heart, and every time you press it, my head is just going to be filled with thoughts with you, so whenever you miss me, you just press that. Or you can put something in their pocket of yours to hold and say, when I come back, can you hold on to this for me while I’m gone, I’m going to go now, your teacher is here, she’s going to take care of you for through today, and I’m going to pick you up, whatever it is, after lunch.

And so you’re giving them something to hold on to that is special to you, so that, again, they can find a way to feel connected to you, even though you’re apart. We don’t want to linger with a sense of fear because then our child’s going, oh, that sounds scary, like there is something to be scared of, it kind of confirms the alarm, but also I think what happens when we talk about like a swift or a confident goodbye, sometimes also other parents can think that it has to be really like rip the band aid off and go, so I think you’re kind of wanting to find a middle ground where you’re confident, you’re trying to find a sense of calm and trust in yourself, which can be really hard, but reminding yourself that your child is in good hands, you’ve chosen these caregivers for a reason.

This is hard, but you can do hard things. And bending down to your child, telling them when you’re going to pick them up, giving them some sense of connection to you, and then reassuring them who they can seek connection with while you’re gone. But what I wanted to add was for some schools and for some parents, they are happy for you to stay a couple of hours in the background. Not all schools are going to be, but I just want to reiterate as I’m talking about that that that’s okay too. So when we’re talking about the swift drop-off, we’re talking about a sense of confidence, but it doesn’t mean you can’t do a slow, gradual release if that works for your child and your school.

Jessica: I love the idea of having something to hold. I’m assuming that you would do that when they’re calm before the moment where they could be melting down.

Ashley: Exactly. Like something in the car or even before you get in the car when you know that you can talk about it together and then you can just remind them. And then what you really want to set up hopefully is a caregiver who can hold space for those emotions, who isn’t going to distract or deny or tell them that they shouldn’t cry, who’s going to say, “Yeah, it’s really tough when Mom goes, isn’t it? It’s really hard, and I’m here and I’m listening.” And that would be the kind of ideal space so that then they can build that relationship with that caregiver and they can feel that their emotions are okay and their emotions are acceptable.

Jessica: I’ve used distractions, I use them all the time. Are they not recommended or… Tell me more about the role of distraction.

Ashley: Well, the thing is that emotion will always seek expression and we need that emotion to get out of the body. When it doesn’t get out of the body, it kind of swirls around and causes a lot of discomfort in our children, and that discomfort is going to come out in challenging behavior. But there’s an example I often give with a client, a family who I worked with a few years ago, where we would shift things in the drop-off. So maybe Dad would drop-off or we would alter a few things and the crying would stop at drop-off, but then the night terrors would increase. And then as soon as we got the night terrors to decrease, the crying at drop-off would increase. So we hadn’t dealt with the cause of the issue and the emotion was just trying to seek expression. So if we distract or we try and stop the emotion from seeking expression at some point, it still has to come out somewhere else. And so what is most important is that we still have some adult there caring for them and allowing that emotion to release out of the body rather than it just popping up somewhere else in another point in our day.

How long should they cry?

Jessica: And how long is it okay for a child to be crying and upset over a separation? Do you have a rule of thumb? Is there a moment where it’s just so much stress in that little body that you need to come back and pick them up or relieve them or how does this work? We know of kids who just cry for so long and… What’s okay? 

Ashley: I think the challenge here is that for some parents, they don’t have a choice. So it’s not as simple as saying what’s okay and what’s not okay. Because for some parents, they have to work or they need to be at… They need to work to put food on the table, right? So we have to look at the bigger picture. And so it’s hard to say what’s okay and what’s not okay because every family is going to have a different situation. But for the families who do have a choice, what I would say then is follow your intuition. If it doesn’t feel right and it feels like too much, that’s okay. I think we have such a tendency to worry about helicopter parenting and such a tendency to worry about parents not letting their children go that I’d actually like to say the opposite. If it feels too much for you and your child, it’s okay to stop and then start again in six months. It’s okay to wait for them to develop a little bit longer or to try and take it a little bit slower or to say, “Okay, actually, I’m going to pick you up at morning tea time. We’re just going to do an hour today.” But again, not all parents have that choice. So I think what’s the most important thing is that we do have some adult, some caregiver there supporting the child when the parent has had to go.

Jessica: Yeah, and it’s so nice to hear we can go back into the room if this crying is just more than we can handle ourselves too. Is that okay? 

Ashley: Absolutely. I never give out advice that I wouldn’t do myself and I wouldn’t be able to leave my child, so I totally get it. We are wired to respond to their cries because their cries are telling us something, right? And sometimes their cries are an emotional release, but in this drop-off situation, their cries are telling us this feels scary and alarming. And so I think we have to just be intuitive and do the dance. Sometimes, yes, we’re going to have to just deal with this separation, other times we can decide to make it a little bit slower.

I think one of the things that is important to understand is more so how is our child when we pick them up? So when we enter back in the room after the separation, can our child make eye contact with us? Can our child greet us? Can our child say hello? And not because… I’m imagining a five-year-old. “Oh, hi, Mom. I’m playing Lego, I’ll be there in a second.” That child’s clearly fine, but the child who can’t look at you and can’t make eye contact with you, now that tells us that that separation has been too much for that child. And so then we want to go back and go, “Okay, what can we do differently? Can we reduce the separation or can we focus on building more relationships with the people who are there?” But that’s the sign of a child who’s had too much alarm and that’s been too much for them.

Jessica: I remember when I went on a trip and we left our first, my husband and I left her first with my mom for a week, and I was so excited for the reunion, I had missed him so much, and I put my arms out and I was waiting for him to run to me and he ran to me and he started hugging us, and then he just started kicking and he was so mad, he pulled away. He was so mad. I didn’t anticipate that. It was very emotional for all of us.

Ashley: Yeah, it’s so hard because what happens is, so there’ll be alarm and frustration building, and once that… Once he goes, oh, you’re here, then the frustration can come to the forefront. Because what happens with young children as we only ever see one emotion at a time, and so once that he’s kind of got in proximity with you, then the frustration that was building of him not being able to see you now comes out. And we know that frustration then often leads to aggression in those early years. It’s really tricky as a parent, because you’re so excited, and you really want them to be excited back, but then it’s just about like, okay, that happened, we can get through that and how do we use that for next time? How do we know next time, like could there be little notes that we leave. Could there be a little treasure hunts that we leave while we’re gone, so that there’s these real moments of connection so he doesn’t feel such a big separation from us while we’re gone? Or how do we adjust next time so that that separation doesn’t feel that intense? But it’s not about moving into thinking that our children are traumatized or we’ve done anything… Just about going, okay, this is what happened.

Now I can see what my child’s capable of. Because the other thing that happens is we have this expectation that all children should be able to do the same thing at the same time, right? So all three-year-olds are expected to go to whatever it is, school for a certain amount of hours, but we know from development that children don’t ever develop at the same time. So just because your three-year-old may not be ready to do what another three-year-old’s ready to do, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your three-year-old, it just means that they might need more time.

Should we practice separation? 

Jessica: Yeah, that makes sense. I’m trying to think about some strategies also, so we practice being apart from our child who’s experiencing challenges with separation, should we do like many little separations? Like what if you can barely go to the bathroom alone, should we be practicing a few things at home before a bigger transition like starting daycare or preschool? 

Ashley: So this is a bit of a complicated one because my shorter answer is no, we want to do the opposite. So separations build upon each other, so the more separation a child has, the more alarm the brain is going to feel. So actually, when a child’s not coping with separation, we want to do the opposite, we want to reduce any other separation we possibly can, that we can reduce. So let’s say your child has to be a day care a certain amount of days in a week, then on the weekends, we don’t necessarily want to send them off to grandma’s house to practice, we want to then be nourishing that connection and making sure they are feeling really supported and connected and close to us, because you imagine that separations just stack upon the other, and the more that the brain has, the harder it is. But, I do think that if we are about to send our chat off to school for the first time, then we can practice with like a grandparent or somebody who they know really well, we could practice that drop-off in that scenario, but not in the purpose of just adding more separation, that’s not going to help.

Ways to build trust 

Jessica: Got it, okay. And then over time, we’re hoping that they trust that we will always return, what are some ways that we can build that trust and then also secure attachment.

Ashley: It really is about the way that we care for them. So how do we show up when we’re putting their shoes on, how do we show up when we’re putting them to bed, do we have a real generosity in our heart where we are kind of sending this message that says, I can do this, I’ve got so much energy in me for you, I would love to tie your shoes for you, honey. And the way we look at them with warmth and delight in our face. And so it’s the energy with which we care for them, that can be one of the most important and profound ways that we can show our children that deep love and that connection that really deepens attachment.

Jessica: Yeah. This actually leads to a question that we got from one of our community members. It’s a Navy mom, so she’s gone off and on a lot, and her child hug her when she gets back, but she wants daddy. Her child wants daddy a lot. What advice do you have for this mum? 

Ashley: Yeah, this is really hard, and I think it’s just about understanding that Dad’s the constant, and so Dad’s the one that is around, so for the brain that just feels like that like… It feels less alarming, and children can only feel attached to and feel connected to one person at a time. It doesn’t mean they can’t have multiple attachments, but in any given moment, if her attachment instincts are engaged with Dad and then Mum walks through the door, it’s really tricky for a young child to then switch that. So then it’s about understand that this takes time, and it’s about Mom and Dad communicating with each other in a really warm and connected way that then sends the message to the child, okay, this can kind of switch now. So it’s actually between the two adults and their communication and their warmth that actually gives the child permission to switch between the attachment figures.

Jessica: That’s so interesting, I never thought about it that way. That’s really interesting.

Ashley: And that’s really important with separated parents as well, which can be really tricky depending on the dynamic, but really important if there is dropping off to Dad’s house for the weekend or Mom’s house that that drop off is done with a lot of warmth and delight between the adults, because that’s what allows the child to feel safe moving between those homes.

Jessica: Fascinating, that sounds extra hard, but very helpful to have the child’s perspective on what’s meaningful for them? How do you cope with… What advice do you have for the parent who is away from baby when going back to work for the first time, do we have anything about the parent emotions around separation? It’s just so… It can give you so many pangs, there are so many choices we have to make as adults, and work is a reality for so many of us, and so help us through that.

Ashley: I think one of the things that’s really important is to really grieve, to grieve what you thought you could have had or what you wanted, or what isn’t working in the way that you thought it would. So maybe you feel like you have to work, not feel like you have to work, you have to work for various reasons, or you choose to work, that’s okay too. But then it’s about grieving what isn’t working the way that you want it to. So it’s about grieving the fact that you can’t spend that day with your baby and really being okay with having your own tears about that. So I often… So one of the big things I talk about is helping children express their emotions, now being children, but it’s the same for us, that emotion circles around our body and it seeks expression as well. So who can hear our sadness about the fact that we have to drop off our baby, and who can feel out and hear our sadness about the fact that the system just is really tough to navigate in this modern world of navigating work and babies and trying to do it all? And do we have somebody that can listen to our feelings about that, because that’s a really important thing to release and honor inside of ourselves.

Jessica: Thank you, Ashley, for all this insight and thoughtfulness.

Ashley: Thanks for having me here, Jessica.

Such wisdom in Ashleigh’s advice. Here are my takeaways from the conversation:

1. During that first year, physical proximity is how a baby feels most connected to a caregiver. The ability to feel connected in ways other than physical closeness gradually develops over a six year span! 
2. Newborns are more open to being held by alternate caregivers. But then, around 6-9 months, a child’s brain distinguishes which attachments are most significant to them. It’s normal at this stage for your child to reject those who are outside of this core circle. 
3. Here’s a tip when leaving your child with a new caregiver: Ask your child to observe some little detail about the other person, for example “Did you notice the way she smiled when you walked in?” Be sure to also encourage the caregiver to validate the feelings your child is showing.
4. Don’t sneak out! It could actually make the situation worse by conditioning your child to be on alert for your disappearance at any moment. Your job is to build trust by being open and honest. Think long-term. 
5. Consider working in some magic before drop-off by offering your child a special object or trinket that represents your connection with them. It could also be a note with a heart on it.
6. If the separation is too painful, and your schedule allows, it’s OK to go back in the room after drop-off. Follow your intuition, reconnect and try again in a few minutes.

Learn more about separation and how to cope on our Lovevery blog.